I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
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Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
long lost
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.