Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.

Livid.

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good

I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.

ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no

The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.

I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.

My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!

My bladder: Don’t listen to them.

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.

Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*

Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.

5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland

Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it

5: You should just send me

WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them

ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.

I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.

Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.

I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.

Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit

Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again