I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
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PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Girl, same.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
They’re stuck in your pants?
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.