Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.

Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.

I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

“Boo!” — cow with a cold

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone

Other surgeons: what

“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!

Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.

There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.

whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.

the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram

[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta

How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*

How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib

“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”

“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”

“You heard me.”

My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”

Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time

*drinks beer from my glass slipper*

Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.

I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”