“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean![]()
You Might Also Like
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
How to properly lift a body
![]()
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
![]()
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.