I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
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Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Its a hippotatomus
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]