Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.

“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”

– condescending con descending

Happy Friday

I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…

I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.

when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by

“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”

Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?

In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”

Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.

If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on

Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend

You: I got a headache.

WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.

so

the limit is 412 chicken nuggets

PSA: Always be yourself

Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time

My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum

… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?

What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I’m shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha

“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Terrible heart surgeon.