Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits

daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?

me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?

daughter:

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?

Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.

ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview

THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69 

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism

Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.

[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish

Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:

Stamps: Lickie Stickies

Defibrillators: Hearty Starty

Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby

Lamp: Lighty Brighty

If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.

Overheard at the hardware store today …

Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.

Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.

Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.