I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
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my professor scared me for a second
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share