I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
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microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.
My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Tammy is short for Tamuel
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious