Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids

If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.

Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.

When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.

We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.

“How about Radio Shack?”

Perfect.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence

Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….

[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.

The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.

this independent good boy don’t need no human

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here

Someone you don’t know is pointing at you. Make yourself appear larger by holding up a potted ficus.

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.

Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.

Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.

Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.

Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes