I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
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DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
The Book. The Movie.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
*exercises sarcastically*
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.