I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
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They are only bad decisions if you get caught
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*