Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.

My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?

Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.

So sorry

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time

PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam

When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.

That’s me in a nutshell.

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call

There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.

If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.

It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us

Me: *finally asleep*

Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!

Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.

Dr: You have palpitations

Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?

Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]

Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”