I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
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Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
When you have to use a public restroom.
Self-cleaning conscience
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.