Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.

Nobody:

My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.

I wonder if any student will ever top this email.

anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.

Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

St Peter: welcome to the afterlife

me: damn… there’s more?

Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.

Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas

Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes

Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials

Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986

Camel dough

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook

its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects

Barista: Can I get a name?

Me: Free

[Later]

Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free

*fights break out as I smile from the corner*

10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”