I’m not a superstitious person but I will never say “bloody Mary” 3 times in front of a mirror. I’m not chancing that shit
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My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!