im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
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Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!