im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
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Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Meow?
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.