im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
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WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.