im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
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[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
sin harder.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
you’re so productive for your wage
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
😎 🍻
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?