Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents

“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.

What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.

Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?

Them:

Me: Oh right, exercise

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.

When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.

AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.

Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……

E – I – E – I – O…..

The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.

Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again

Happy thanksgiving

I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.

Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive

Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier