I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
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I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
The Backseat Boys
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This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht