“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
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Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would