“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
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As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
what’s really going on
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Growing up we didn’t have “influencers.” We watched a monster who binged on cookies and a pig who dated a singing frog. It was a simpler time.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.