Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway

all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real

“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

British people this week:

“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.

Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.

Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”

My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day

If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.

This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.

Wife: IT’S 8 AM

Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.

(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there

(yawn)

“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???

Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.

Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!

Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?

Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.

T:

Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…

Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”