Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.

“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.

me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy

I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.

My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.

It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.

What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?

I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato

my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her

Me: you’ll be in school until 2035

My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number

Me: maybe even longer

I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.

Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.

Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.

me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME

Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.

God: you’re a coyote.

Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?

God: Heavenly Way.

Coyote: what about your first pets name?

God: Sprinkles : )

Coyote: awww last four of your social?

God: 0001, why?

Coyote: no reason.

[later]

Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.

(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big

[Spelling Bee]

Her: Your word is consent.

Him: Can you describe the word?

Her: Yes.

me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ

WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.