I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
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It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
My dad teaching me to drive
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.