I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
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Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.