I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
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My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Maybe I’m delusional, but I swear this train is following me.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
see next tweet for some translations
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday