Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

Friend: What do you like most about Adele?

Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.

My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.

“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.

maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you

ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough

GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”

BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.

Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.

4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.

My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning

Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….

Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.

“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”

Oh dear you thought wrong.

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs

I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.

Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.