@TrueTorontoGirl

I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.

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@zachraffio

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

@Browtweaten

*First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what

@doll_partzz

Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.

@EndhooS

*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*

Sara?

*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*

“Yes?”

Help my knee is made of magnets

@batkaren

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

@FredTaming

me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine

@DaddyJew

Gf: you’re speeding!

Me: no im not

Gf: what’s the speed limit?

Me: the speed limit is the liquor store is about to close

Gf: drive

@mrjohndarby

[before surgery]

doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?

me: yes, every night