They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
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I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
*Gets down on one knee*
Help my knee is made of magnets
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: You should get tested.
Jupit. Jupiter. Jupitest.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Gf: you’re speeding!
Me: no im not
Gf: what’s the speed limit?
Me: the speed limit is the liquor store is about to close
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night