I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
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What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
this post was so formative to me
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.