I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
![]()
You Might Also Like
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?