Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.

“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

I’ve fallen on some hard Times.

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.

life: do your best

me: (doing my best)

life: no a different best

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.

Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones

Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!

Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*

[Going through customs]

Anything to declare, sir?

1…2…

Sir, what are you–

3…4…I declare a thumb war!

Oh bring it on

*misses flight*

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

what’s the point then??