Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.

craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead

still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat

I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”

Stop sending me this shit.

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”

Her: your SO annoying!

Me: you’re 😐

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.

The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.

So, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days

[cocktail party]

BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?

ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.

I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.

today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.

After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.

ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)