Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”

Honest job application:

On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.

If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’

I am not telling the truth.

I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them

Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year

I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no

the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person

Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.

nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

[6 months after breaking up]

Me: AND ANOTHER THING,

No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.

WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.

INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?

ME: No I haven’t