I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
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mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
*swipes right on my hand mirror
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”