Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?

Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart

Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!

funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!

*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.

My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…

Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.

I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.

In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.

If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.

Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.

Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?

Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.

Pick it up.

Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.

me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip

Please let me in.. 😂

Sound on

I will cook for you

-me, threatening

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…