Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.

Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless

Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person

My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

Farmer: Here, take a gander.

Goose: No! My husband!

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?

I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election

Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet

To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.

80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad

Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.

[first day as a self defense teacher]

Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?

Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.

Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.

I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.

A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES

SE: -on your sandwich?

ME: FIXER PUPPER

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan

Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock

It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?

If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.