Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl

MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room

Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow

Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet

I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer

Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.

Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’

dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!

Social butterfly? Nah.

I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.

Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.

Me: Nice abs, bro

Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?

Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them

Me when I wear 4 inch heels

*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.

*Returns to couch.

*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.

Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”

*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*

Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—

*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*

If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.

Wife: You put the wrong date on this.

Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.

Wife: You wrote 1992.

I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

*getting murdered*

WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*

Okay, proceed.

i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work

Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.

I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.

My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.

children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?

Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!

My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”