I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
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Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Proctologist = Analyst
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes