I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
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I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
Yes that is a knife in my pocket, and no I’m not happy to see you.
opening twitter today
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Coworker: Are you doing anything after work?
Me: No I did things at work and now I’m done.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
I’m listening
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse