I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
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HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
(yawn)
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop