I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
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Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
#SaturdayBears
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.