I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
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If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.