I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
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Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
me refusing to leave twitter
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
i was dropped as an adult
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?