Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?

The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”

dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone

“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”

[giving eulogy for coworker]

Gary is on mute forever now.

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!

But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…

I said be quick about it!

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

therapist: you are your own worst enemy

me: undefeated baby

When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.

The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.

Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?