Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together

[blind date]

Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.

Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.

Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!

Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck

Best mom ever 😂

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario

Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.

Copy Editor is a rewording career.

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

God: so you shoot them with the arrows

Cupid: yes

God: and then they fall in love

Cupid: right

God: with other compatible people

Cupid: uh well-

God: who will love them back

Cupid:

God:

Cupid: sure

It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.

Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.

Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.

[funeral]

minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*

guy in casket: i am literally dead

I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene

doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants

me: *taking underpants off my head* fine

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.

If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.

If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.

I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!