Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?

Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

*Good Will Hunting*

Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?

me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*

that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.

No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch

When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.

I can also cook 😂

I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.

shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants

me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather

My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*

Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!

4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.

Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.

That’s as old as the hills

hills: (offended) Hey

Me: [Walks into kitchen]

[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]

Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?

Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup

No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.

Certainly wasn’t me.

me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]

You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.

somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship

people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once