@toomanytoes

I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.

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@TheCatWhisprer

*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*

@RobDenBleyker

I think if a little girl wants to grow up and be a Tyrannosaurus Rex that’s totally fine, and science shouldn’t stop her.

@TragicAllyHere

Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx

@bricheeseyy

My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…

@pharmasean

What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave

@OwensDamien

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.

@ScorpionDong

Everyone knows Robin but not a lot of people know Batman’s other sidekicks: Stealin, Burglin, Thievin

@just1fool

Who decided to call it a proctologist and not an analyst?

@Mikecanrant

Pretty upset to find out that salmonella poisoning has nothing to do with a vindictive fish named Ella.

@MotivationalBkr

My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.