I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
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My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Lmao
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
The Sun
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.