Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
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*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.