Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!

15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.

Me: ……sooo handsome though..

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.

Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.

My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.

Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.

Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.

You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.

Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker

Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.

HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun

The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.

90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.

The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.

People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.

Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?

Do strangers call to pay my bills?

And if they do, why don’t you let them?

My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

In Canada they just call them geese

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.

new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people had asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake

What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?