I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
You Might Also Like
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Current mood: Potato
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.