I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
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Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
These modern phones are great but I miss the days of old Nokias… you know if you were out and needed a hammer, a weapon or even an anchor for a boat.. voila
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
My dad teaching me to drive
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on