I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
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I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
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With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.