Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.

If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.

Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

First date idea.

Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.

Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?

I can easily control the weather.

– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado

On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.

5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants

My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”

Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.

If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye

Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend

I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips

my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters

They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.

Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends

Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.

Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.

Thyme. He meant thyme.