I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
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To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin