@CArmanthegirl

I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation

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@Peauxtassium

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

@SteveSuckington

My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.

His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?

@brynnester

Guy: *reading my astronomy magazine over my shoulder on the train* What’s your favourite kind of space?

Me: Personal

@VaultsOpen

My 6 year old nephew is legitimately pissed off that there is no actual monkey in the monkey bread.

@djr_102

If you sit beside me, you’re part of my drumkit.

@CerebralWreck

Lawyer: why do you want a divorce?
Wife: because he use idioms incorrectly.
Me: it’s not my cup of shoes, Linda!

@GoldenSpirals

I hate when I buy new shoes,

and I have to learn to drive all over again.

@psybermonkey

*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins

My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’

@Muath_tu

Lil Wayne is like if a doctor’s handwriting came to life.

@Gupton68

me: my night terrors are getting worse

therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?

[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]

m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing