I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
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I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
why would tinder want me to say this
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!