I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation

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I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.


My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.

His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?


Guy: *reading my astronomy magazine over my shoulder on the train* What’s your favourite kind of space?

Me: Personal


My 6 year old nephew is legitimately pissed off that there is no actual monkey in the monkey bread.


If you sit beside me, you’re part of my drumkit.


Lawyer: why do you want a divorce?
Wife: because he use idioms incorrectly.
Me: it’s not my cup of shoes, Linda!


I hate when I buy new shoes,

and I have to learn to drive all over again.


*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins

My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’


Lil Wayne is like if a doctor’s handwriting came to life.


me: my night terrors are getting worse

therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?

[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]

m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing