I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
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My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Guy: *reading my astronomy magazine over my shoulder on the train* What’s your favourite kind of space?
My 6 year old nephew is legitimately pissed off that there is no actual monkey in the monkey bread.
If you sit beside me, you’re part of my drumkit.
Lawyer: why do you want a divorce?
Wife: because he use idioms incorrectly.
Me: it’s not my cup of shoes, Linda!
I hate when I buy new shoes,
and I have to learn to drive all over again.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Lil Wayne is like if a doctor’s handwriting came to life.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing