Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Otters see a butterfly.

me adding lol on a serious message

i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —

Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’

Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .

5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them

She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.

‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’

[first day at mcdonalds]

guy: can i get a large fry

me: you mean like a potato

I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.

george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.