Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool

love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….

me: there’s a bunch of cars following us

date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster

Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999

Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton

When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.

Husband opening his new radar detector…

Me- want me to run by really fast?

Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.

Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”

I reply, “Good. You?”

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

How to walk around a museum

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it

[1st day as an animal researcher]

*tagging a bear*

Me: you’re it

“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones

My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus

Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

What’s the point buying it then?

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.