I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
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So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Good morning
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
me and who
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho