I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
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[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Sending in my taxes
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”