When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Bobby pin
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*