I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
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My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
This rocks
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.