Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.

People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.

ㅤ

yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂

Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

[on a first date in a restaurant]

him: so what did you do last weekend?

me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.

him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time

me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.

[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?

[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

ex: do you still have feelings for me?

me: yes.
disgust.

“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”

—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

[gets bit by spider]

[I don’t get powers]

[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.

Me:

9yo:

Me: Can I go back to sleep now?

I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.

It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.