I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
You Might Also Like
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.