I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
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Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.