I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
You Might Also Like
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs