Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*

when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.

First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*

Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*

My kid: Teacher do you poop?

Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions

My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.

old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’

guess i’m a roast carrot now

*stranded on a deserted island*

Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB

friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

Comparing yourself to others

*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit

You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.

assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%

shrink ray company CEO: excellent

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up

[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]

GOD: most of them are fine

ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?

God: you get high or… you DIE

Angel: dude

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

indiana??? now they’re just making up states

shop assistant: do you need help?

me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle

You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.

“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

[restaurant]

date: this chicken is a little dry

me: I think my burger‘s undercooked

waiter: how is everything

me: it’s great

date: so good

man: wait

time: no