I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
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tell em, edith-anne
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Home #decor warning.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
#parenting
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.