Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.

Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”

HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs

person: nice cheese

inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets

What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?

a pool table.

Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday

Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag

Me:

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.

What is a magic bullet?

A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy

Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.

What a relief. Bring on the nukes

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze

If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.

if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.

Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.

My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.

My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.