I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
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Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
I enjoy a good short stor
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”