Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral

I believe the plural is “milves.”

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together

“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…

– Adam Sandler being handed a script

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me

Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou

*I’ve already changed his pants*

Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”

You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know

*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation

BABY GOT BACKYARD

Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor

Breakfast for Stoners:

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess

I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”