@weinerdog4life: I'm not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
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@GrantTanaka: 1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
@SteveSuckington: [wife gets home & sees shit on the rug] What's this? "It was Rover he w.." *dog makes throat slice gesture* "It was me. I shit on the rug"
@FrogAvalanche: "Dad, I cant sleep." Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB. "Dad Im seven-" Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
@longwall26: I like microwaves that spin the food around because I'm all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.