@weinerdog4life: I'm not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
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@Sassafrantz: Do you, Charles Manson, take this woman who is clearly more insane than you to be your lawful wedded wife?
@iamdevinwagner: There is this absolutely gorgeous girl at my gym but I never know how to start a conversation with her without looking like the annoying dude trying to hit on her while she works out so I’m thinking tonight I’m gonna drop a weight on my foot and ask her to take me to the hospital
@: I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like--it was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.